JAMES BONG goes shopping

James looked at his watch. Hand on the 12, hand on the 4. He had 20 minutes to start the spark in the park. 15 minutes in the store, 5 minute stroll to the park and a precise 4:20 spark. The perfect plan. He walked into the Whole Foods. 

“More like whole budget.” James thought to himself as he checked his cash flow. “Okay, easiest to eat in the park – sandwich.”  James was well prepared. His boy scout training always kicked in when it came to smoking cannabis. He would need his munchies soon after the spark in the park. “Hope sandwiches aren’t like 100 bucks by now.”

The deli counter was a little crowded with late lunchers. It would take too long for James to wait as they made his sandwich once he finally got to the front. He would never make it on time. That would upset the banana gods. Which would in turn, upset Warhol.

James squinted at the premade sandwiches: eggplant hummus. Nah. Spicy cheese and peppers? Nah. Roast Beef was tempting but no cheese. Just quick-snagging a premade sandwich was not an option either.

Solution: Get the ingredients and make it himself after the spark like a picnic on the grass. Heh-heh – on the grass. Sure would be. 

Surveying the situation, James found an associate with just two customers waiting. James hopped on the line. Standing in front of him was…was… that guy!

“Hey-isn’t that that monkey guy from Saturday Night Live? Oh, and the what is love guys!” Pondered James as he involuntarily bobbed his head like in the aforementioned SNL sketch. That guy caught James bobbing from the corner of his eye. 

James smooshed on his brain cap “What’s his name again? Dangit, I know this. Roxbury…Ferrell…Kattan! Kattan!” 

It was Kattan’s turn with the associate and ‘that guy’ seemed a little disoriented.

Kattan was taking a hot minute to make up his mind. James decided to step in.

“Hey, Mr. Kattan?” James said with some timidity. “Hi. Big fan. Doesn’t look like you know what you want exactly. Can I recommend a lunchmeat for you? I recommend the pancetta. It’s so delicious, a step upscale. A bit salty. Want something lighter? Can’t go wrong with turkey.”

That guy just stared at James through the whole speech. “I’m a vegetarian.” Kattan finally muttered. “I’m here for cheese.”

“Cheese it is!” exclaimed James. “Shall we move over to the cheese? The provolone is…”

Cutting James off, a man pushed his way past with a pocket notebook and a pen. “Excuse me, Mr. Kattan? Huge fan! I love monkey guy! It’s too bad you don’t make any more movies. Especially those bigalow gigelo ones.”

“That’s Rob Schneider.” Kattan replied dryly.

“Oh. Right. Well, can I have your autograph anyway?” asked the man, shoving his pen in that guy’s face. 

“He’s trying to order, sir.” Said James and the deli associate simultaneously. 

It was too late. Kattan had caught some eyes. Another “fan” came running up. James turned to the deli associate as Kattan took the pen.

“Hey bud, can I just get some of that ham sliced real quick? Quarter pound? I’m in a bit of a hurry and…” But the associate cut James off too.

 “I’m sorry. I have to finish serving this man first.” 

Fuk dis! Thought James. He could skip the meat and fer sure find some tasty specialty sliced cheese on the shelf. To the vegetables! Which he could get himself.

But James hadn’t thought this through. How would he cut the tomato? And what would he do with a whole head of lettuce? And, shit, a whole jar of mayonnaise! In the sun.

James spied his saving grace: the condiment rack by the deli table zone. There were plastic knives. James took a few, knowing one or two would surely snap under the pressure. Oh – and napkins! Score!!! Wait a second – are those mayonnaise packets? Boo-yah!

 James slipped a couple packets in his pocket on his way to the produce. And you know what? He could just give the rest of the lettuce to a homeless guy or someone. A good deed for the day. James felt contented.

But not at these prices! James squeezed the regular tomatoes, which were not quite ripe yet, still a little firm. His finely – tuned green thumb told him these were hothouse tomatoes. Probably still from GMOs of some sort. 

James headed over to the “local farm organic” section. And saw the prices. It came from out of the ground! It’s a single producer! How can it cost that much? Geez! Buying the ingredients separately was starting to cost more than getting the sandwich from the deli. What was this world coming to? Mass-produced unhealthy crap and the small batch stuff is prohibitively expensive. Just what they’re trying to do to the cannabis world. 

Anyyywayyy, no point in getting upset now. It’s almost sandwich thirty! Skip the tomato, just the lettuce. 

“I should go back to the lunch counter and grab some tiny salts and peppers. But they always open in my pocket. Oh, the salt will make me thirsty! So will the session. I might get some severe cottonmouth. I should grab a….”

“Is that Snapple?”

 

Is it?...

For part 2, read issue #1